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Romantic attraction, infatuation, “falling in love?”

From the book: Intimate Communion - Awakening your Sexual Essence (1995)

by David Deida

[In all fairness to the writer, his book is not pessimistic at all and gives hope and guidance. In other places of his book he shows the way to get out of a doomed romantic infatuation and grow the relationship into an intimate communion. - Zafiris]

. . . . . . 

What is romantic attraction, infatuation, “falling in love?”

    Romantic attraction begins with a strong feeling of oneness and of bonding, a feeling that you have “always known each other.” You have probably felt this way about some person at some point in your life. If you have, you know that the feeling doesn’t last. After several months, or, if you are lucky, several years, the feeling of romantic attraction wears off.

    And when it does, it always seems to turn into something very specific. This person who was once so magical to you, this one who seemed to be the one who was going to give you everything you ever wanted, who was going to bring unending love into your life once and for all, seems to turn into precisely the person who does not give you what you want.

    Eventually, relationships based on romantic attraction always result in not getting the love you want. Why? Because romantic attraction is based on an imprint in our psyche that formed during our childhood. As many of us have already discovered through therapy or personal reflection, those people to whom we are romantically attracted are exactly those people who embody the qualities, good and bad, of our parents. ‘Whatever our parents didn’t give us enough of (love, attention, praise, freedom, etc.), is exactly the thing we will not get from our romantically chosen partner.

    It seems like we “always knew” our romantic partner because we did know him or her: in the familiar texture of our parents, imprinted in our childhood psyche! Our new partner seems so special because we unconsciously hope to continue the relationship we had with our parents and finally get the love we always wanted, the acceptance we always desired, the fulfillment of our heart that we always craved. And, because we have unconsciously chosen our parents in our partner, we have chosen someone who will not give us what we always wanted, in exactly the same way that our parents didn’t. (Even if our romantic partner does give us what we want, we often cannot receive it, because our childhood imprint doesn’t believe it is real.)

    As the thrill of being “in love” wears off, your romantically-chosen partner seems to be perfectly suited to cause you pain. He or she seems to have an uncanny ability to poke at your weak spots and hurt you, though not necessarily on purpose; the person who used to bring out the best in you now seems to bring out the worst, just by being himself or herself. And you do the same for your partner. Because romantic attraction is based on qualities in your partner that you unconsciously recognize from your childhood experiences, you will be as fulfilled and as unfulfilled by your partner’s love as you were by your parents’. 

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Last Site Update: 12/5/2017
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